i'm recently admitting to myself that i'm way more domestic and domestic-loving than i ever let on. i think because i'm also very career-driven and i've always pondered the ways in which those two things feel very mutually exclusive, if only for practical reasons alone. i fear the reality is such that one will win and the other will suffocate to death. i mean, there are only 24 hours in a day. life passes so quickly and i know i can't live every dream. but i'm learning to respect all the dreams and realize that the ultimate dream is the realistic marriage of them all. so we'll see. and here's this dream, this totally domestic dream, quite extreme, quite a fantasy, and not even what i want actually. it's just a dream, but parts of it will prove to be what i want, i think, and prove to be realistic, and parts of it will come to pass and pragmatically so.
i've recently been so enamored by the idea of country living. this is the natural extension of my recent transformation into an organic, earth-loving lifestyle. i dream of having a home in the psuedo-country. by this i mean perhaps a home a half mile up city creek canyon. as in, right outside the hustle and bustle of the city but still almost considered the city. or something just outside, and i mean just outside portland. or a sunny city. or a tropical city, even. i'm not so sure. i'm still figuring out the locale. but not the midwest, no way (knock on friggin wood). but i do know that it will not even be far enough away from the city as the burbs. most cities actually have a decent amount of undeveloped country space basically on top of them so even though i have absolutely no real knowledge on the subject, i'm declaring this dream of mine a realistic option. this is my way of enjoying city and country living on a daily basis, in this fantasy of mine.
i dream of having an old house with tall ceilings and hardwood floors. because duh, this has long been established in most of my visions of the future. there is a dog and two cats and chickens out back who roam around our foresty backyard. and there we send the kids out back for an actual egg hunt. and about once a week we all head out back with a basket and cloth to collect the blue and green and brown eggs, full of minerals from the hens who had the freedom to roam and munch on earthworms and wild herbs. the wild herbs we will gather into our baskets and tie together and rinse clean in the kitchen sink.
our garden, because of course there will be a garden, will have strawberries and tomatoes and zucchini and spinach. our property will see the occasional raspberry bush and a few apricot trees will spot the land. the tall trees will house my dream treehouse (which is not a dream at this point and just a yet-to-be-fulfilled-plan, mark my words with permanent ink), where we spend whole afternoons reading and napping and exploring.
our home is conveniently located near a spring where we regularly carry back and forth gallons of water for storage. the pond down the road freezes over in winter and we bundle up for ice skating with the neighbors. sometimes in this dream, we pack up all our goods and hold down a booth at the local farmers market every saturday. we show up to the winter market offering free freshly brewed coffee and tea until it all runs out. selling our goods with smiles, exchanging by hand dollar bills and bags of dark leafy greens. in summer
perhaps we get a little crazy and have a few goats and rabbits and an alpaca or two and perhaps even crazy enough to have our own bees. we would be our own little farm, almost. alpacas--purely because they are adorable and i could shear them every spring and spin their fiber into yarn. yarn i would use to knit my own throw blankets and wool sweaters for winter survival. i spend my days doing the laundry and hanging bright white linens to dry in the fresh country air, misting them with lavender essential oil. i spend hours preparing our own fresh pet food and gravy in our kitchen, alongside our own food preparations. the shady backyard hammock gets plenty of use and the sheepskin rug in the living room needs regular cleaning, which i do by myself, in the backyard on the line with a wire brush and tea tree essential oil with the help of the baking sun. the kitchen often smells like chocolate chip cookies and sunday brunch and crock pot stews. my free time is spent crafting felted gnome dolls and fairy garden bits and pieces, which i usually keep for my family or give away, but occasionally sell on etsy.
these are the images that have been swirling around in my brain the last few weeks. they are undoubtedly informed by my instagram feed, from women who are all but living this life, but also seem to satisfy this self-reliant, basic human desire within me to live truly organically, at one with the earth, as much as is possible. this pretend world has no busy schedules or fear that i'm squandering my young years, even no wanderlust and no wasted plastic bags. it has no pressing anxieties and fears about what else the world may offer. it is happy with being small, living a small life in a small town.
like i said before, this actually isn't the life i want. but many aspects of it are. i can't give up the busyness. i could not ever for a second give up the giant part of my life that will be my career. i can't give up the travel goals and myriad of lifestyle aspirations and the love of the big city life and unrealistic, crushing career goals no single person can ever realize. but writing this helped me sort out the dream. and one day i will have my hens but not my alpacas, or my alpacas but not my rabbits, and i will clean sheepskin rugs with essential oils and wire brushes in the baking sun, but not spend whole days of whole weeks and months and years being domestic. and that is okay. i will find my balance, i'm not worried about that. how funny will this post be to read in ten or twenty years. and if we buy a farm in the midwest, so help me.
ps - it's hilarious to me that this blog still has 187 followers. i collected all of you back in 2008 and you're all still here but you don't even know it! muah-haha. shoutout to the roughly 47 of you who will see this! all my love, xo
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