Saturday, January 16, 2016

evolution and the pain of social disconnection

i know i'm constantly repeating myself when i say that i'm on the quite evolutionary journey. my identity and beliefs seem to continually change at a rapid pace. i keep expecting myself to finally arrive or slow down; to finally settle into a certain lifestyle and rhythm. but as i continue learning, i continue changing. i see the evolving as a good thing, but the pace makes it difficult at times.

as wonderful and healing and exciting as this process is, it's also very isolating. i'm on a journey that is uniquely mine. i've been very disconnected from people; from communities and networks, but also from people currently in my life. when i've shared my heart with people, it's often been misunderstood. it's not the fault of people i share with, perhaps it is my communication skills, but really i think it's just where i am on my journey. but it's caused me to recluse a bit and has led to disconnection. i had no idea how hard it is to reconnect after a period of disconnection like this. i'm struggling to feel like i really belong anywhere.

i need to take a pause here to validate my own pain (and perhaps other's): being misunderstood and experiencing social disconnection is very painful. i don't think i'm special, but i do know that i am an extraordinarily social creature, which has made this last year of my journey extra painful.

despite all the evolving as i'm doing, i'm picking up plenty of for-sure's along the way. a few for-sure's are my three big daily practices: meditation, gratitude, and yoga. i don't see those going anywhere. they are for-sure's for sure.

i'm giving myself and my life time to come full circle with this social funk. i do expect the pace of my evolutionary process to slow and eventually settle into that of a normal functioning person. and as i settle into who i am (as i am more and more everyday), i fully believe the people will come into my life as they need to, and i will be ready to enter theirs. i imagine my future rich with loved ones that i can't believe took so long to come into (or back into) my life.

i've been settling into this feeling and concept of being at peace with living each day fully and simply. and being satisfied with inner daily success much much much more than single outer achievements. i value loving the people around me on a daily basis and being fully present right now much more than i value big outer achievements such as graduating from college, getting a certain job, or whatever next big life step is supposed to come next. part of what i need to fully connect, is finding people who similarly value the present moment and living fully and simply everyday.

relatedly, jared and i have been repeating this to each other lately, to remember our lives are truly rich and abundant, despite the fact that our wallets are not:

some people are so poor, the only thing they have is money.

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