chronicles of she

"when we make a change, it's so easy to interpret our unsettledness as unhappiness, and our unhappiness as a result of having made the wrong decision. our mental and emotional states fluctuate madly when we make a big change in our lives, and some days we could tight rope across manhattan, and other days we are too weary to clean our teeth. this is normal. this is natural. this is change." -jeanette winterson

i stumbled upon this quote online a couple weeks ago and it hasn't left me. there are so many good, bad, and neutral words constantly forcing themselves our direction everyday, so it's special when something you read or hear stays with you; if it stands out and you remember it days and weeks later, you know it's important.

i can't stop thinking about this one. it's so true, not just with change, but all the time. in the middle of a doctor's visit about a year ago a comment of profoundness came out of my doctor's mouth and woke me right up (this is paraphrased),

"people don't feel the same every day. and it has nothing to do with a cycle for women, or anything else for men. it's just that human bodies fluctuate. there are days when we feel amazing and there are other days when we don't feel as great. whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, our states fluctuate. give yourself permission to feel exactly however you feel."

there are times when our minds or bodies are letting us know if a choice or choices we've made are good or bad. if we are eating too much junk, our bodies usually do a good job letting us know when enough is enough. if we're in a bad relationship, making a poor career move, or betraying our inner belief system, our minds and spirits will tip us off to that. however, there are times when we are eating right, getting enough sleep and exercise, engaging in healthy relationships, in a good place at work, and being true to ourselves, and yet, we don't feel 100% every single day of our lives. this is normal. this is natural. this is human.

i've been giving myself permission recently to just be human. it's okay for me to feel less than 100% physically, mentally, or emotionally every single day. i can't express the peace and contentment that has come with this new mentality. there are times when i feel i could tight rope across manhattan and there are times when i am too weary to clean my teeth. and i'm okay with both of those times. i like my life on both ends of the spectrum and i like myself on the in-between days, too.

this quote was on the buried life tumblr and it's another one that i've come back to again and again. it's feeding into the same great concept.

"i actually attack the concept of happiness. the idea that--i don't mind people being happy--but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in western society, which is fear of sadness. it's a really odd thing that we're now seeing people saying, "write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep", and "cheer up" and "happiness is our birthright" and so on. we're kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position--it's rubbish.

wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don't teach us much. everyone says we will grow through pain then as soon as they experience pain they say, "quick! move on! cheer up!" i'd like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word 'happiness" and to replace it with the word "wholeness". ask yourself, "is this contributing to my wholeness?" and if you're having a bad day, it is. -hugh mackay