chronicles of she

i've been thinking a lot about exercise and nutrition and body image (among other things, my mind is a never-ending stream of deep thoughts). and i just want to say that i freaking love to workout. not because of all the evil calories i'm burning but because it makes me feel strong. yes, it literally makes me stronger. but it makes me feel strong. it makes me feel like i can do anything in the world. it makes me feel invincible. it makes me feel like my life is my own and i do what i want. it makes me feel like an active participant in my life rather than a passive rug upon which myself and others walk. if everyone had that relationship with exercise, i think a lot less people would hate it.

another thing i've noticed along the lines of body image...i realized the other day that when i look in the mirror i consciously and subconsciously ignore the "flaws" and look for whatever i can find that is flattering or that i like. it wasn't always this way. in my younger teen years i would focus on anything that was looking out of sorts and then obsess and agonize over the parts of my appearance that weren't up to (a ridiculous and unattainable) par. i had a beauty regime in high school that consisted of regularly spending a lot of time whitening my teeth, applying anti-cellulite cream, and doing pilates (that i only sort of enjoyed). i spent tons of money on tanning, makeup, and clothes. how i looked was up there on my list of most important priorities in life. not only did i need to look good, but i had to look one certain way: tan, skinny, and well-dressed. and not surprisingly, i never quite obtained the "ideal" appearance.

i never really had a total body crisis that sent my self-esteem plummeting to rock bottom. i have always been a pretty confident girl. but i did choose to let it affect my self-esteem quite a bit more than i ever should have. body image for me was more about priorities than anything else. it was important to me to spend time, money, and THOUGHTS (oh, the thoughts) on my appearance. i was constantly battling my naturally pale complexion. my curvy hips were just waaay too curvy for my liking. i carried my makeup with me in my purse and made sure to touch it up for sure at least half way through the day. you could say this is all just normal teen girl stuff. and yeah, it is. but for many people, the self-conscious obsession with appearance sticks into adulthood and sometimes for a lifetime.

it didn't happen all at once, but a few years ago i really started to respect myself. like, i realized i am pretty freaking awesome. and it has absolutely nothing to do with how i look. or how 'bangable' i am. i realized that i am a good friend. i am smart. i am loyal. i know how to problem solve. i know how to get stuff done. i am reliable and responsible. after that realization, suddenly, i was my own best friend. it didn't matter at all what anyone else thought because i had won over myself, for all the things i am, and all the things i am capable of.

like i said, it didn't happen all at once. but slowly, it mattered less that i touch up my makeup after dinner because i was in a hurry to see people i cared about and i'd rather spend those ten minutes with friends than finding flaws in front of the mirror. it wasn't the end of the world if i ran into someone at the grocery store right after a workout. in fact, i became proud of my healthy habit. and i became proud of the fact that i was not embarrassed about my appearance. i just liked myself too much as a person to be embarrassed of myself because of the way i looked. clothes seemed to fit better (i'll chalk this one up partially to no longer being an awkward teen). going an entire evening without looking in the mirror or even entertaining an appearance-based thought, because i was just enjoying myself too much, felt pretty good. not surprisingly, these habits have stuck.

all of the sudden, my body rocked. when i looked in the mirror, all i could see were healthy legs that took me on a run through the canyon, arms that allowed me to drive to work, eyelashes that helped my vision, ohh the beautiful things my optic system did behold! my body was my most treasured possession and with that realization everything started to change. i ate better. instead of rigidly counting calories, i began to feed my body nutritious, whole foods. if i cut out junk, it was because the junk was slowing me down or affecting my mood, not really because of the weight. i started getting more sleep, and now i get 9 hours almost every night, because that's what i need to function my best. i started to exercise when my body craved it, which turned out to be long jogs about once a week. i stopped stressing the small things, because my body really took the hit. my body was my treasure, and life became about protecting it.

so here i am today. i'm in a really good place. much of my happiness and satisfaction in life stems from my self-respect, but especially from my self-respect for my body. and i'm writing this post, which turned out to be something totally different from what i originally intended when i began writing it (those are always the best kinds of posts). i know that not everyone is as lucky as i've been on the body image journey. however, all the work required to gain self-respect is completely worth it. look in the mirror, tell yourself 'i just love you', look at each body part and find one thing it does that helps you LIVE. give yourself some time, but eventually shopping for clothes won't be a total nightmare and you'll maybe even be comfortable walking around the house naked (given you don't have roommates or family members that would freak out!). your body is a gift!