chronicles of she

sometimes i am disgusted with our excess. i am really feeling it tonight. all our needs are always met and i can't stand it almost. sometimes i just wonder why life isn't harder? why are we so prosperous? why am i so blessed? why?

i just think i am more comfortable stressing about how to pay the next bill than i am knowing we do have enough money, time, health, and wealth to pay all our bills. does that make sense? i mean even if we don't have the money one month, we always have the time and good health to make the money so that our bills are always paid. factors beyond my control have greatly contributed to my life's opulence. and that's called privilege. i am bloglicly acknowledging my abundant, abundant privilege. (coining a word. shakespeare did it all the time, so)

privilege is uncomfortable. because there are so many in this world whose basic needs are not met. but mine are. and more. why is that? how did i end up with all this prosperity? why is my life so abundant and others not?

i can say for sure that it's not related to worthiness. there's nothing i did that is different from what someone else has done or not done to deserve a good life. i mean, yes, there are little decisions i've made. and we each have the ability to make good or bad choices. we can start with poor circumstances and make life better. we can start with a great life and ruin it. yes.

but. it's that starting point that agitates me. why has life been abundance, love, good health for me (and so few) but for others (soo many others), poverty, abuse, disease?

brett dennen says it best, there ain't no reason. ain't no good reason anyway.

but what do you do about it? is capitalism the answer? is giving the ultimate answer? is simple gratitude enough? is it everything? how do we end suffering and make the whole entire world better? is that the goal? what are my life goals? what am i living for? does what i care about matter?