chronicles of she

the above photo is a very honest shot of my living room, not trying to be anything but itself as it exists in this very moment. my attempts at affordable yet vintage eclectic kitschy funky charming interior design constantly at battle with bicycles. the thing is, bicycles are not just something jared is passionate about. they are a way of existing for jared. and i just can't imagine the person jared would be if he didn't exist in a world with bikes. and what is that bicycle world wherein he exists if they are not scattered all over his abode? i trip over bikes. i have a permanent bruise/scrape situation happening on either my shin or my thigh because of all the damn bikes all over the damn apartment. my plants that hang out near his bike storage breath in rubbery air and i have to wipe them of grease and rubbery dust every few weeks. there is permanently a bicycle on a work stand next to jared's chair. the chair he sits in watching netflix after a long day of work, always a bike part in hand getting a makeover. what kind of monster would i be if i encroached upon that existence?

all the time i dream of a space that does not involve bikes, where bikes live in a studio or workspace or garage and not in my living room. sometimes i imagine myself telling jared, "no more bikes in our house! no more bikes in our living room! no more bikes 18 inches from our dining table! no more!" and you know what? i would probably win that battle. because it sounds like a reasonable request. you don't want dirty, greasy bikes near your expensive moroccan rug? okay. you don't want to bump into a grimy wheel eating dinner? i get that. you see? i would win. also, let's factor in our personalities. i am sassy. really sassy. i am forward. i get what i want and sometimes i just take what i want. i don't wait for permission, i go get what i need and if anything i will ask for forgiveness. but jared? jared is self sacrificing. jared would live without bikes and try to go on living normally like his life isn't nearly meaningless because he lives in an apartment full of cute tulip dining sets and fancy leather sofas, but no bikes. but the thing is, he would try. he would really try.

but i know it wouldn't work. he needs bikes. once during our marriage, for a very brief time a few years ago, there were no bicycles in our house. it was right before our nyc adventure. and jared seriously couldn't sleep very well at night because of it. the man needs bikes. it's a way of existing that many people don't ever experience in their lifetime. not everybody is passionate. jared isn't that passionate of a guy, actually. in fact, i have a hard time getting him to care about some of the stuff that i just think any reasonable human being should totally care about (like fancy furniture and what so-and-so admitted on their blog the other day, of course). but the fact of the matter is that he is more than just passionate about bikes. it's his way of life. i would never want to make the guy part with his bikes in any measure. if anything, i want to be the most supportive supporter of his bike lifestyle that i can be.

during all of april, i lusted at may. i would look at april on my iphone calendar and wimper that every single date had a little grey dot by it, indicating that i had some sort of important obligation not to be forgotten. mostly homework and finals related, but still, april was busy. and i would glance over at the upcoming schedule for may and take a big, deep breath in anticipation for maaaaay. oh beautiful, beautiful may. simple and relaxing. exactly everything i love about life. and then i would start my easy, breezy summer semester and it would be online and it would be conducted on our balcony and i would drink lemonade from a glass with ice cubes and be surrounded by big leafy, green plants. and on occasion i would take a relaxing nap in the hammock that would be on our balcony and it would be tranquil and serene and dare i say sublime. this was the may i had envisioned.

that may did not happen. the first week of may i casually called our landlord about a leaky faucet. right about the time i shared my last post (i was so naive then). and then i remembered that our lease was up at the end of the month and i was wondering if they could transfer me into a unit with all hardwood floors because multiple people in their office said that i could totally do that when my lease was up. a new management company had taken over our property a week earlier and they told me to transfer into an identical unit but with no carpet would be $275 per month more. what? and then they told me that if we chose to renew our lease and didn't transfer to a different unit, then our rent would be going up $150. what? the entire reason we signed a six month instead of twelve month lease was for the dumb hardwood floors. if we had just signed a longer lease and put up with the carpet my rent wouldn't be going up next month? is that what you are telling me? yes. ugh. #ugh.

so we have only lived in this apartment for six months. we were planning on living here another year. we were planning on THAT SUBLIME MAY. ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU ARE GOING TO RUIN MY EASY BREEZY MAY? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO MAKE ME LOOK FOR APARTMENTS THAT ARE CHEAPER OR BETTER RATHER THAN LET ME DRINK LEMONADE ON MY BALCONY? i was so pissed. i went into their office and talked to them for a while and they offered lowering it so the rent would only go up $100. i still signed the notice to vacate and looked at them like "i hate you all so much" and left ready for vengeance.

i should mention that jared works twelve hours most days of the week, with the first half of the day spent riding his bike as fast as he can. so the guy doesn't have a lot of time nor energy when he isn't working. so i used my precious online classes lemonade hammock balcony time FRANTICALLY searching for an apartment that was either cheaper and still reasonable or near what they were raising our rent to that was better enough than where we are now to justify moving.

turns out rent has just jumped up in the area. why? because SLC is dumb. that's why. and also something to do with taxes for landlords. so i got a little bit less mad at our management company but still determined to find a better deal than what these guys were offering. so we did. and we are moving in two weeks.

phew. long story leading up to, "we are moving in two weeks". but here's the deal. unexpectedly having to move really gives you clarity. we all know how terrible moving is. every time you move you just tell yourself the next time you move is going to be into a coffin. right? because like, i'll live here the rest of my life if that means i don't ever have to move again. i have thought/felt that every single time i have ever moved. moving sucks. moving is a damn hassle. a big dumb hassle. moving is expensive. moving flat out sucks and i'm sorry to everyone who has asked me to help them move and i was like, "sorry netflix" because let's be honest that has happened a lot of times in my life. i am a jerk.

i've been going through our stuff like mad donating everything we can reasonably live without and i can't express how great it feels. it feels like breathing, showering, and flying all at the same time. it feels really good. it's refreshing. if i don't have to take it with me in a move then i am happy. goodbye pointless kitchen appliance! goodbye random knick-knack i collected from the DI! don't need you!

i really don't want to be moving into another expensive apartment and i don't want to be a college student for another year, is the thing. but i do want to have a college degree in a year and i'll be damned if i don't get it. so i will, for another year, put off my #vanlife dreams, my travel dreams, and my road trip dreams. enter below photo that i took the other day while searching for a sofa:

and i will move into this apartment so good. and it will be clutter-free. and stuff-free. and it will be a bike space. a bike space where i happen to eat and sleep and shower and watch tv and i will dedicate a few corners to cuteness and i will let bikes win this never-ending battle. and i will have people over and it will be better than lemonade on a summery balcony. i know it.

and maybe i will find time some time after we move, maybe late summer, when i can wear this brand new swimsuit and not just take photos in it. #lemonade.