i've come here to write three times this week and then deleted the tab before i could type a word. school started this week, and it feels so good to be back. back into the swing of a normal, reasonable lifestyle, back on campus, back into my college student world.
you know that high after completing an unbearable, near impossible task? yeah i'm riding that high pretty good right now. i was telling my friend last night that i'm still not sure if i'm proud of myself for completing the film, or disappointed in myself for not respecting myself (+ team) enough to walk away.
in this case, it is both. let me share a bit more about this experience. the director and producer, in their personal lives, may possibly be perfectly wonderful people. but on set, they were not. they did not say thank you, they did not say please, they did not consider or acknowledge that myself and my "team" (my dear friend and her mother), were working for nearly free, and they did not frequently use salutations typical of respectful human interaction.
yes, this is the nature of a film set. yes, the project was wildly ambitious for the budget. yes, it is hollywood and i was lucky to be there.
yes. but.
even in the fakest of fake hollywood world, people must be decent, civil, and respectful for a project to happen well.
i'm proud of myself for surviving. i'm sad that relations weren't more professional, at least, and that there wasn't a spirit of teamwork, at best.
i respect myself. i don't allow inconsiderate, disrespectful people into my life, at work or otherwise. i have very high standards for myself and relationships. it felt foreign and wrong to not walk away from such terrible behavior, but i was committed to completing the project enough to deal with it.
production wrapped a week ago today. the greatest shame would be if i didn't learn anything from this experience. i have learned a lot, and the test will be if or when i apply this knowledge to my next experience.
but for now, college.
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