re-evaluating the struggle.

it's definitely two in the morning, i have a weird case of the hiccups, and i'm super tired. but late at night is absolutely the time when a creative part of my brain awakens while the rest shuts down. it's like my functioning brain has permission to stop functioning and my wild, creative brain gets to have it's time in the sun. or moonlight, i should say.

we've been making an effort to turn off the tv and all the lights and just be quieter earlier in the evening. if we don't do this deliberately, we find ourselves turning off netflix at midnight and collapsing into bed. i love laying in my bed in the dark, perhaps with some magical music streaming into my brain from a pair of headphones, and just letting the ideas flow. the best, most brilliant ideas come to me at that time. i feel this sense of fulfillment in my human existence as i quietly spend time with only my imagination. i remember doing this when i was young. i would head into my bedroom, turn off all the lights, turn on a relaxation cd and stare out the window in my bedroom at the valley below.

i'm inspired to take more photos. i'm inspired to deeply explore the beautiful and wonderful opportunities of life. i'm inspired to be more grateful.

i know i just posted about how i'm dreaming of a warm climate. and i am. i mean, the tropics are indisputably divine. a tropical paradise feels like a scene from a sci-fi movie to me at this moment in my life. however. i'm also feeling deeply grateful for my life, and where i live, today. i woke up and jogged around memory grove. then i came home and joined jared just as he was going out for a mountain bike ride. then we went for a walk to the grocery store. i just felt like, you know, this life isn't too bad. it's soo good. and salt lake city, in particular, has it's perks. i'm not saying i'm buying a house here or anything too crazy. but i cannot complain about this mild winter, the terrific cost of living in this city, the fact that my mom lives ten minutes away, and that we both have no commute.

but it's not just those thing. my gratitude is deeper than those somewhat superficial reasons. my heart is feeling changed. i feel grateful for my life, even if it wasn't so dandy. i feel grateful for the obstacles and the less dreamy parts.

i guess there is a certain beauty in our real, imperfect lives. what would life be without the struggle? where would we obtain our satisfaction if everything was easy? would the ease just be that awesome? or would there be an emptiness? is the struggle a necessary and important part of life? or can humans really be fulfilled without it? i'm not sure people can. what does that mean? i'm thinking i need to re-evaluate my entire attitude towards "the struggle". and by the struggle i mean...like people with extreme struggles who are severely disadvantaged. and then dumb things in my life, like the fact that i can't travel the world TODAY or buy what i want EVERY TIME or easily obtain the career i want or wave a magic wand and know exactly what i want or what the future holds...

i'm wondering if the clicking of the keyboard is bothering jared who is sleeping in the next room, or most likely he's sleeping like a log straight through it. either way, i should probably shut my eyes soon. i just wanted to write some thoughts tonight, since my heart is feeling particularly softer than usual and i'm not entirely sure why. it's cliche to say i want to write here more often, but i want to write here more often. not just to get out thoughts i know are swishing around in my brain, but to discover unknown thoughts that may not have existed without the keyboard.

so here's to tomorrow, a day where i can hopefully more fully appreciate my whole, complete life. the good and the bad, the warmly accepted and the begrudgingly put-up-with. here's to finding beauty in it all, the whole picture, and a few less complaints. because, man, am i lucky.