I've been left wondering why some women can hardly wait for the birth of their fifth child, some women yearn with heartbreak over infertility, some women take deep pleasure in motherhood on top of busy careers and responsibilities, some women recall wanting kids since childhood, while I regularly try to talk myself into the idea of one or two children, while I secretly wouldn't mind infertility all that much, while I constantly wonder and fear what motherhood would do for my future career, partner relationship, friendships, sanity, and life, while I vividly remember wondering about my future as a child and asking if kids really had to be a part of it. Why? What do they have of which I wasn't hard wired? What is the right thing for me to do? I have frequently felt that time is ticking, not to have children, but to know if I would ever want them. I want to know for sure either way, I want to be decided about how my future looks and what it will and won't include.
I am reminded of times in the past when I believed women were most fulfilled in motherhood and nothing else came close, not other relationships, not other projects or accomplishments, and certainly not a career. When I believed people who chose not to be parents were making a selfish decision. Yes, I did believe those things. Now I have a more well-rounded and egalitarian understanding of what makes a fulfilling life. But that doesn't mean I know what's in store for me when it comes to the question of parenthood.
Perhaps one day I will have children of my own to care for, and if so, hopefully as a co-parent with Jared. But perhaps one day I won't choose that path, and that will be okay, too.
Because whether I have children or not, and whether I ever become confident in a deliberate decision either way, my life will be full. The picture is the same whether I take on the role of a parent or not:
I will lead a successful, personally fulfilling and meaningful career. I will work tirelessly on important projects that meaningfully improve people's lives in tangible ways. I will not retire until I'm a hundred or more. I will have a beautiful home that will provide me with the security of traveling far and wide. I will have friendships that enrich the quality of my life and give me the opportunity to do the same for theirs. I will constantly be reading and learning, to understand the world and others. I will always be caught up on important news and involved with politics I believe are important. I will develop skills outside my career that improve me, such as cooking, handy work, gardening, musical instruments, and learning new languages. I will spend personal, alone time exercising, watching the clouds pass, doing yoga, being in nature, and creating art. I will empower the underprivileged and give voice to the voiceless. I will give patience for those who are slow, offer understanding for those who are difficult, and share positivity with all as often as I am able.
If I become a parent one day and even if I don't, I will lead a happy, fulfilling, loving, selfless, successful life. So I guess I don't really need to know or decide about parenthood right this minute, because either way, my life can be fulfilling, my life can be wonderful, my life can be filled with good work and special memories. And that works for me.
1 comment:
your posts always make me feel all the feels! amen to this lady. it is so nice seeing someone stand up, and not be scared to have a different opinion. and it's not even a different opinion! just not one that many share all that much. it is even worse living someplace where that pressure is always on you. i am not even married yet, and people are already asking me about kids! like what?! i know that i personally would like kids one day, but that isn't something that i think is going to come next in my life you know? and even then, i have always wanted a small family. so thank you for this!
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