you don't realize how much you need community, until you have none.
we needs social connections that are beyond appellation.
we need heart connections with people in our lives.
we need our hearts to be known, and we need them to not only be accepted, but understood. genuinely understood.
we need to be seen and heard on a deeply authentic level in a way that cannot be fabricated by desire, but only through life experiences that lead us to say, "i've been there. i get you. i know how you're feeling right now."
i'm so lucky to have that in a few important people in my life.
but i've lost a LOT of heart connections in recent years, largely due to my leaving the church. and it's been reeeally hard.
i'd like to declare here that it's been REALLY hard.
there have lots of tearful car rides and long, quiet, anxious days and heavy-hearted days. thinking about people i love, and loved, and wish i could continue to love, with whom things are just not and never will be the same.
jared and i were at the grocery store the other day when we ran into a couple from the ward we lived in TWO years ago and they had NO idea who we were. we were wearing clothes that showed we weren't wearing garments and perhaps they saw jared's tattoo and just couldn't connect who we were? the wife taught gospel doctrine right after i taught relief society and we always talked about each other's lessons together. the husband was a linguist researcher (i believe) and always had the coolest insight from the historical languages used in the scriptures.
it was an isolated event but i've marveled at how representative it was about how i feel in many other relationships.
why can't you guys see me?
do i look that different?
i'm still here! i'm still me!
no matter how strong the social ties, the heart ties struggle to stay alive without authentic mutual understanding. and authentic mutual understanding disappears when you're mormon and all your people are mormon and then suddenly, you're no longer, in your heart, and then in your life, mormon.
and it's REALLY hard.
and the funny thing is, i don't have many heart connections with other people who have left the church, because it's so different for everyone. and i'm just such a unique person that it's hard to find strong, authentic heart connections.
some people leave the church and feel that they suddenly understand what it's like to have a community, because they finally fit in, and never felt at home in the church community. that is not me. i felt at home. i felt right at home in the church. until one day i didn't. and it was a lot like what i imagine becoming homeless feels like, when you always had a home.
i've lost this huge sense of community i had no idea i had. and it's been like the death of a close family member.
i've lost that along with losing actual relationships that previously meant so much to me.
i've sat back and watched them slowly wilt, then crumble, and now as they begin to rot and decay. but i'm reading a book about zen buddhism and that from garbage, when tended properly and with enough time, comes compost. and so perhaps this decomposition will bring some fresh, spongy, earthy-smelling compost heart connections into my life. i really hope so.
i'm learning about grief in a new way i've never experienced. and many days are heavy-hearted, while others are okay. but i just wrote this up because right now, i don't have many people who i can tell my story to whom will genuinely, authentically be able to respond and say, "hey. i get it. i know exactly how you feel."'
and i just know i'm not alone. because of the numbers of people who have reached out to me to say, "thank you for talking about this, i have no one to talk to about this."
so please, if you don't understand, please have compassion for anyone going through a faith crisis, anyone who is or has recently or at any point left their church, their community and basically their family of origin.
please.
4 comments:
I didn't know you have a blog! This is my first visit because your IG post was intriguing and I wanted to read more. I don't really know why I'm commenting but I just wanted to write *something* because I relate to this so deeply. I left the church a few years back and it was one of the most liberating and socially conscious things I've ever done. And even though I'm incredibly thankful I did, I've talked with Sean about how it feels to leave something like that. If there's one thing right about organized religion (LDS specifically), it's the community when used to benefit others. It's incredible. And I miss it too. Not any specific person but the community as a whole. And how alienating it feels to have been a part of something like that and then somewhat suddenly no longer have it in your life. I don't get too down about losing THAT community though because I know I have zero in common with those who have a religious faith. We differ in opinion on everything. But what I've greatly struggled with is finding a community for me, like you said. Though I've actually never seen the struggle I feel for a broader community of like-minded individuals as something that relates to the community that I lost so many years before. That's an interesting thought and I'm starting to see how those might correlate. Anyway, all this rambling to simply say, "you're not alone!" Just as you suspected! And that I'd love to hear more about you and your transition out of a church we both attended (and from what I assume after reading what you wrote, a church we both loved). I know we live near each other and I've always wondered about you because I find I can usually relate to your captions (as opposed to most other IG acquaintances). I suppose it's that search for a greater community in me who felt the need to read what you had to say. Anyway, thanks for sharing! I enjoyed the insight and appreciate your vulnerable honesty!
This is beautifully reflective. Overall that's what I relate to most in what you're saying - thinking things over and feeling everything so much it hurts sometimes. I didn't grow up Mormon but lived in a small AZ town and married a former Mormon. One of the things that impresses me most about the church is how great they are at providing a community and place to belong. That being said - I grew up in a conservative Christian culture and in the last year, my beliefs have been changing A LOT and yes it's a lonely place when none of your friends are in the same spot. I actually don't even feel comfortable telling a lot of my friends how much I've changed because not having gone through it, it's so impossible to understand. Before this, I judged anyone who questioned their faith or talking about finding their "own path." Sadly. In case you're curious, I want to share a few things that have been comforting lately. Two podcasts - The Liturgists and Robcast (Rob Bell's podcast). They both talk about faith journeys that change a lot and both are so sensitive to different, changing beliefs). And Rachel Held Evan's book Searching for Sunday. She's incredibly honest about her struggles with belief and faith, although it is from a Christian slant. But yes, thanks for sharing your heart.
I'm in a situation where I'm anticipating that I will feel this way shortly in my life. I've contemplated my activity in the church, but feel like leaving would be like letting a part of myself die, when at the same time I just want to find myself a little bit better outside of the pressure and organization of it all. I just want to be myself, and get to know God in my own way. Thank you for your posts, they've always been inspiring to me, and I feel like I can relate a lot to you, even though I don't know you in real life.
I'm sorry for the loss you are feeling, but know that your bravery to be yourself, even when it has been hard, is inspiring others. xoxo.
As someone who's been through this - although in the UK so I think it's easier. Can I suggest you stop calling the mormon church 'the church' even in your head. It's not 'THE church' it's' A church'. It helps your heart heal x
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