practicing the here and now

i've been practicing mindfulness and being present in the here and now. i've been reading and studying a book by buddhist monk, thich nhat hanh, about the practice of being present through mindful breathing and walking, which are very simple ways to meditate. you simply say, "breathing in, i know that i am breathing in. breathing out, i know that i am breathing out." that very simple act brings the body and mind together which allows you to be present in the here and now. which allows you to fully experience your life. which in turn allows you to be really and truly "there" for those you love. isn't that beautiful?

i'm so grateful for the ability to feel, to "be here" now. because now is all we will ever have. the past is in the past, the future is in the future, and the present moment is our divine appointment. we are here, we are home. this practice has been supremely important for me since i've been struggling to reconnect to the present. i spent so long yearning for when life will be different. i think i made such a habit of it while attending college that i really detached myself from my present moment. being detached sort of became my new normal. i found a way to enjoy and live in the present moment even while being detached from fully enjoying it. does this sound familiar to anyone else?

i let myself hold out on experiencing full joy and happiness since i knew something "better" would be coming along soon enough. but do you know what? we are pretty bad judges of when we will experience joy. how often do we look forward to something and it just doesn't feel the way we hoped? and how often do moments of joy unexpectedly hit us out of nowhere? and we are often so detached from our present moment that we hardly experience it, we hardly take note of it. we don't let ourselves fully taste it because we are so busy waiting for when life will really be good. and we don't realize it's right here, right now. we think we have to wait until we have enough money or the right job or house or vacation or when it's the right season or decade. but the truth is that happiness, peace, and joy can only be experienced in the here and now.

additionally--i've realized, what if i get all the things i long for? what if at some point i arrive with the career i want, the house i want, the life i want? how sad would it be if i didn't fully enjoy and experience the magnitude of joy and pain and fulfillment life offered each day leading up to those achievements? i do long for specific life achievements, like a dream home and career and PERHAPS parenthood (still ironing out some thoughts there), but i desire deeply to enjoy, respect, and thoroughly value each day of my life, no matter the facts of my life, no matter my achievements, no matter what.

so there's that. and since i don't update here very often i'm going to dive into something not totally unrelated, but somewhat rather unrelated. i got really excited one day last week thinking i was going to train for a half marathon. for some time, i've had it in my head as a task i have no choice but to do when i graduate. so i picked a race eight weeks from now and put it on my calendar. i reviewed the half marathon training schedule and was ready to dive in.

and then i went on my first run. it was three miles. no biggie. it's something i do on occasion. i run a mile a day most days. but i miss days, too. sometimes i put on my jogging shoes and walk out the front door and end up in the foothills above our home. i love to run for miles and push myself right in that very moment. i love the feeling when i know i NEED a good run just to get my heart pumping and feel that surge of endorphins. i love it because that feeling comes from my body as a craving and an urge and not from my mind as a task and a burden. as it stands right now, i have a beautiful and very healthy relationship with exercise. i run. when i feel the urge. and for how long my body desires. which happens to be most days for about a mile or so. to me, running is the most primitive form of exercise there is. rooted in our hunter and gatherer ancestors. running meant life to our ancestors. and for whatever reason, it feels like death for most people. but i've always felt so alive when running and so alive in the rest of my life when i'm running consistently.

all this to say that, i'm not doing a half marathon. that night while i was running the three miles, i realized i was completing a task and not fulfilling a bodily urge. i didn't like it. it felt the way restricting calories feels to me, wrong. i'm not saying it's wrong for everyone, it's just not for me and my life. i'm not saying i don't need to be challenged when it comes to exercise, i do. i just might need a different challenge than race training. after that night last week i didn't run until tonight. i just needed to sort out how i felt about it. but tonight i found myself running through the trees in the mountains and feeling so alive and in sync with perfect early autumn breeze and all the life around me and suddenly so much about my life and my love of running became crystal clear.

i feel most present (and alive) when i'm running, and/or in nature (that big deep breath of fresh, clean air is everything to me), or with people (those i deeply, truly adore and identify with, especially). i am here now. this moment is home.