realizations brought to me by stitches

my fingers are taped together and i have a feeling typing anything may be somewhat difficult. i spliced my finger open at work today and had to have four stitches. i was standing outside in the cold and there must not have been much circulation in my hands when it happened because the skin flapped open and i saw right into my hand. and there was very little blood. i saw the tendons hanging out there and i saw basically an empty space where no bone or skin or cartilage or tendons exist. just nothing. just an empty space running right through my hand between my ring and pinky fingers. or "4th and 5th digits", as the nurse referred to them at the instacare.

i'm relaxing on our sofa sitting next to pure beeswax tapers burning and gilmore girls running in the background. that show is so fall and so cozy and just feels like coming home. i'm torn between the need to go for a run and the need to relax since my body is almost audibly unhappy about the 4th and 5th digit incident. i haven't had stitches since i was a kid. i can't even remember the last time. but in the middle of the day i was totally wiped out with nausea so badly that i had to lay down and the kid i nanny played doctor and brought me cups of water and blankets for thirty minutes straight. so i'm respecting my body and letting myself rest.

but on the other hand i really need to go running. it's been five days since i last ran. and before that it had been a month. this is really bad for my body, for my mental and emotional health, for basically everything for me. but i'm also a big believer in taking it easy when you have a wound or are afflicted with an illness. so rather than giving in to the cravings for a jog, i'm allowing myself to enjoy the rest.

stay with me here, i'm going somewhere with this. we can have two different, conflicting needs and wants at the same time. we are complex enough beings for that. i simultaneously have needed human connection and needed to recluse from people the last year or so. this juxtaposition of my physical needs highlighted the same fact for emotional and social and mental needs, too. sometimes we can have two different, conflicting needs and wants at the same time. we are complex enough beings for that. huh.

resting because stitches. yet dreaming of jogging endorphins (& a hot bath & to sleep in with brunch & a long hike & a day spent with my honey). i will run tomorrow, but i learned a lesson today.