jared and i have been married for 917 days.
and known each other for 1,698 days.
and basically been together for 1,110 of those days.
and i hope that our relationship goes on infinitely.

however, not all of it has been spoonfuls of nutella and late-night birthday cake. there have been WHY-ARE-YOU-THE-WAY-THAT-YOU-ARE "conversations", mostly spurred by me being selfish and sassy and double selfish and also a little bit of my incessant need for (just jared's) dirty clothes to be in hampers and not on the floor and also a little bit of jared's inability to understand why i need to spend $300 at ikea every time we move. and we've i've (okay, jared has always understood this one) finally, FINALLY learned that it truly is better to just go to sleep when you're tired instead of bickering until the bitter end or more realistically 3am when you get so loopy you start crying that "i really do love you so much and how could i ever not see that for even a second", wake up the next day confused if you're in a fight or not, 'wait, are we in a fight? i'm not mad at you. i can't remember, did we have a fight last night? either way, i love you.'

and lately i've had to ask jared for a redo all the time. you know, the moment where you behave less than classy and sweet and considerate and everything that you should be for someone that you love dearly? sometimes he's still mad that i was being a total brat and takes a second to say yes. but usually ends up saying yes.

too often, i attack and blame jared for the things in my life that aren't exactly how i wish they were. for example, a constantly clean home, less stress, more money, more travel, less homework, more time, more rest, more inspiration, these thing's absence in my life have all at one point or another or even another been "jared's fault completely".

but inside and outside of all that is the reality that i came home from work tonight and had the most enjoyable evening of my life watching netflix with him. and a few days ago we dead seriously tried to wear the same pair of sweats by squishing both his legs into one leg of the sweats and fitting both mine into the other. and then we took a few hops, toppled over onto our bed and laughed for ten minutes.

also, this morning he was "literally the proudest he's ever been of me" after tearing out of bed this morning at 6am in an angry rage over the alarm clock that had been going off for seven minutes straight in the apartment above ours (because apparently the person who lives there fell into a coma during the night) and unapologetically whacking our ceiling with a broom (after about eight whacks the alarm stopped--that MF should bake me cookies as a thank-you for getting his/her ass to work on time). even though i laid awake for the next hour, jared was able to promptly fall back asleep (that lucky bastard and his ability to fall asleep on cue).

just the truth is that out of nowhere, sitting here at 1:33am, enjoying the light of our christmas tree, listening to my husband's gentle sleeping breathing, i realized that i love the good and the bad, i love it all. and the thought of one day not being able to come home from work and watch netflix with him makes my throat close up and my brain spasm and my heart stop. and i don't want that to happen.

so here's to the life we are forging together, to the astronomical amount we pay to our cell phone provider, to the prayers we say near our bed, i love it all. and i never want to live one second of it without him.

[side note about the photos: the sweetest stranger (who claimed to be a retired professional photographer) offered to take our picture under this big tree when he saw us fumbling with that fisheye lens (that's in my hand) over my iphone camera (to get this instagram) and these are the turnout. we totally didn't plan our outfits to be mismatched matching but that's how it worked out (so naturally these will also be our appropriate hipster style kardashian family christmas photo this year). they are totally dorky and cute and that's why i love them.] also, text in the image is a quote from sarah kay.

at a labor day family gathering as i was encouraging my cousin to pursue her passion for social work instead of something boring, practical, and safe, my uncle commented, "you have no idea. money is everything!". i wanted to respond, "as long as there are people who think like you, there will be jobs for people like her". but i didn't because i try to keep my sass to a minimum as often as possible and also because i totally respect my uncle and i think he's a smart guy and most of the time i have no idea what i'm talking about.

but on this topic, my opinion is that while he was right, he was wrong.

i know. i sound like a naive, idealist twenty something who thinks love can get a couple by and that there is literal power in the beauty of your dreams. it's because i do.

postitguy, the awesome dude behind the inspiring blog, things we forget, shared this gem recently: money often costs too much. right when i read it i had to do a double take and really think about it. but i thought about it.

the only reason $20 an hour is better than $10 an hour is because you can get to a million dollars in half the time, but either way, with enough time, you can eventually get there. but what if the time you spent at $20 an hour was miserable and the time you spent at $10 an hour was a joy? then which is better?

there are literally never-ending ways to make money. you can do it wisely, greedily, concisely, schemingly, honestly, stupidly, wastefully, or efficiently. you can earn money at the sacrifice of your time, your sanity, your health, your family, or even your self respect; but the one constant is that there is always a sacrifice. at what cost will you earn money?

i shared this quote by bill cunningham on my blog a few months ago, but it's exceptional and fitting to my point here so i'm sharing it again. bill said,

"they don't own me, you see. and that's the important thing, never to be owned. money is the cheapest thing. liberty--freedom is the most expensive. see if you don't take money, they can't tell you what to do, kid. that's the key to the whole thing. don't touch money!"

so let's break down bill's incredibly insightful off the cuff comment. (i'll also mention that bill is 84 and still at it? saw a photo of him at nyfw last week.) "money is the cheapest thing!"

a little over a year ago, i was offered a salary position of $40,000. after a few weeks of interviewing, i was invited to be a primary accounts manager for a telecommunications company i had worked for several years ago. i'll be transparent here, that seemed like an incredible money offer. i don't have a bachelor's degree and any other entry level position couldn't pay me that much. i was totally set on accepting the offer until i started to realize what a salaried paycheck meant. in jared's terms, "when you're paid hourly and you stand around doing nothing, that's time theft. when companies pay you by salary, that's when they time theft you!"

i started to realize that in exchange for the $1,200 paycheck every other week, this wall street mammoth of a corporation was purchasing my time. they were purchasing my, "i'm done for the day" and my "you scheduled me 'til six and it's six so i'm out of here" and my "i'm leaving with my husband for six weeks to accompany him at bike school--see ya".

see, the thing is, you don't really want all the crap you think you want. you want to travel. you want to collect moments, not things. you want to buy those clothes for the experiencing of how you feel in them. you want to buy that boat for the experience of spending deliriously enjoyable time with your loved ones. you don't really care to own a tube a flesh colored creamy substance, you want look in the mirror and see blemish free skin.

as you guys know, i didn't take the offer, for all the reasons i listed above. i just couldn't do it. and sometimes i look back and wonder how life would be different if i had just gone with it. but truthfully, i know it wouldn't have moved me towards meaningful goals. i have no regrets. to quote steve jobs, "i'm as proud of what i say no to as i am of what i say yes to."

with freedom, instead of money, as my focus, i will soar miles beyond wherever that job could have taken me.

"freedom is the most expensive thing!" freedom has and will continue to take so much more work than obtaining that silly job offer took. just so you know, i get that 40k is pennies for many people. but as a starting point for a random kid with little formal education, it was huge.

i plan to live in my dream home and have a family with my husband one day. i plan on having a career that is fulfilling, meaningful, passion-driven, and financially stable. i plan on making it. money is everywhere and affects everything, but it isn't everything. freedom is my goal and truth is my god.

a dabatable journal entry, not dressing itself for debate

recently, i've realized how what can be true for one person can be untrue for another. not in a way like it's true for one person that they live in africa while it's true for another that they live in europe. i mean, in a way like it's true for one person that gay-marriage absolutely will hurt their version of america while it's true for another that gay-marriage absolutely will help their version of america. and with this perspective, until their truths change, it is impossible to prove to the one person that gay-marriage is good, and it is impossible to prove to the other that gay-marriage is bad. because they each are right, according to their truths. changing their truths is possible, but until any changes have been made, proving them wrong is not. but your truths can change.

and in this way, some realities--real, meaningful realities at that--are very much so subjective to the viewer. you could say that reality is reality whether anyone recognizes it or not. i do believe that solid truth exists and is not dependent upon anyone believing it. something can be true even if no one in the world believes in it, like a round, not flat earth. however, this is not what i am talking about, and that does not apply universally to everything.

what i've also learned is that each person's truths are important and deserve respect; they are sacred, special, and honorable--even if someone else thinks they are wrong or bad. they are not necessarily right or wrong because they aren't defineable. they are so unique to each person that they cannot be judged on any one universal measuring stick. they literally are outside the box of our human definition of right and wrong. i do believe God is there, understands, and is capable of making that judgment. and each person can make that judgment for themselves, if they are capable of the requisite honesty and humility.

your truths are safest and healthiest when you respect and honor them. that means acknowledging their existence, letting them be heard by you, allowing them to affect your choices, and especially being proud of them to others. our truths are like little children, they are healthiest when they are treasured, cared for, and are free of the weight of shame.

parable of the mexican fisherman

An executive from America was standing at the pier of a Mexican village, taking a much needed vacation. It was his first in more than 10 years. He noticed a small boat with just one fisherman had docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The executive complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “only a little while.”

The executive then asked, “why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?”

The Mexican replied,  “I  have enough to support my family for a little while.”

The executive then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.”

The executive scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”

“But what then?”

The American laughed and said that’s the best part. “When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions.. Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

i'm just admitting that i'm scared. i'm looking over my toes feeling the emptiness between the diving board and the water fourteen feet below.

it's so easy to fantasize about the future, a world free of worries and heartbreak. but when i start to take action i'm just plain horrified. to be honest, i think this is a sign i'm growing up. even just a few years ago i went into everything without a second thought. now i've learned from those choices that not everything is as easy as an eighteen year old wants it to be.

i have dreams of a family and dreams of education and dreams of a career.  it's just plain awkward when people around me are actually living the dreams i have, too. i mean what's the big difference between them and me? i'm inspired by them and at the same time, i'm asleep, and all i want is to wake up, stop dreaming, and take action!

i'm torn between the contentment of a simple life comfortably enjoyed a day at a time and the fulfillment of an ambitious life that stretches me uncomfortably through the years. the thing is all my big dreams require big commitment. long term commitment. high quality commitment. whole-hearted commitment.

i stand at the diving board with no one to push me in. i'm here, there is no alternate or backtracking path. my dreams have brought me this far. i've left myself with only one option: jump.

i always thought you all were strangers. i knew you probably shopped at some of the same stores as me and ate similar foods, but you came from a different family, with a different mom, a different dad, or maybe no dad at all. you didn't know my family, your dad didn't know my dad, you had never been to my town, you didn't know the walls of my home like i did, because you were a stranger. you weren't my people. you were your people. you came from a different city, and the city you're from is much too different from mine, i just knew.

but then our elementary schools combined in junior high, and i realized those of you from the next town over weren't so different from me at all. and then the same thing happened in high school. and then college. and being a missionary. and traveling around the world at different times.

and then this thing called the internet happened. and blogs. and social media. and i realized that i can watch a video you made in your free time and realize you appreciate the springtime dogwoods and cherry blossoms just as much as i do. and you are inspired by the same beautiful music that i am. and the food! the food. and your heartbreak. your fears. your silliness. your goofiness. your stories. your moms. your dads. the families and the homes you make.

and then i realize...we are from the same town. we do have the same mom and dad. we are family. you are my people, and i can't get enough of you. i truly love you, for we are brothers and sisters.

this moved me to tears. too much awe and wonder wrapped up in four minutes. via

why i support same-sex marriage laws and think you should, too, as fellow latter-day saints | PART 1.5 OF 2

i know you all want to hear more from me on this topic, i just know it! this post was unplanned but with all the somewhat unexpected and overwhelming feedback i've received on my recent post in the last 24 hours through comments, facebook, emails, and texts i feel the need to share a post tying up unfinished thoughts and responding to a few comments. this post was thrown together as a blur of all the pressing thoughts in my brain. please be patient with any errors in any of these posts. since this is a post closing some dialogue, and finishing unfinished sentences, i will be closing the comments. feel free to email me if you have anything you truly would like to express. i am open to that.

first off-i am flattered that anyone read the post at all, and i'm extremely impressed with the (mostly) thoughtful and meaningful input i've received.

just a couple of things that i really should have shared to begin with. i do not in any way believe that i have received revelation for the world or for the church. i don't have any feeling in my heart to lead mankind in anyway (even saying that just sounds weird!). the only invitation i am making is for others to take time to pray, study, and ponder this topic with more thoughtfulness and openness than before.

i have a testimony of the prophet and apostles as leaders of our church. i believe God reveals eternal truths to our church leaders that guide us back to Him. this is one of the important pillars of my testimony of the restored gospel. however, i believe even church leaders would say (in an improbable situation but also in the right situation) that their opinion on matters of political or social issues, though extremely influenced by their testimonies of the restored gospel, are just that, opinion. i'm okay with this. i'm also okay with the fact that a large number of you would disagree with me on that. my testimony of the restored gospel and of a living prophet and apostles is firm. do i think it's okay for members to follow church leaders on political matters, even blindly? because there is safety in following the prophet, yes. because the whole point of being mormon is to work with heaven to make choices for yourself, no.

the church is mostly silent on matters of politics because God hasn't revealed His word on the subject, so it's interesting that the church has chosen this political topic to make an official stance. the thesis for many members who are against same sex marriage claim that because the church has made an official stance, it is doctrine; i believe that claim is incorrect. my thought on this: i don't know why church leaders have chosen to make a stance. however, through all of my personal discourse with heaven via prayer and scripture study i feel the stance is incorrect. i hope that doesn't come off all-knowing or arrogant. i am a mormon because all my personal discourse with heaven is green check marks on every doctrine taught by the church and our leaders (does that make any sense?). the spirit has confirmed (most) everything the church teaches to be true, obviously excepting this political topic (and obviously not the doctrinal topic, because i've made it clear that i agree with the church's official doctrine on homosexuality). i follow the prophet simply because what is taught by church leaders is confirmed to me personally through revelation from heaven.

i recently read this talk by president uchtdorf about the search for truth. it. is. amazing. and so relevant to this issue. and the most mormon talk ever given, i swear. to quote some favorite passages,

"I believe that our Father in Heaven is pleased with His children when they use their talents and mental faculties to earnestly discover truth."

"I ask you to spare no efforts in your search to know this truth for yourself--because this truth will make you free."

"It is my prayer that you will seek the truth earnestly and unceasingly, that you will yearn to drink from the fount of all truth, whose waters are pure and sweet, 'a well of water springing up unto everlasting life.'"

the key here is that as mormons, we are strongly encouraged to search for truth, wherever it can be found. and it's quotes like these that i fall hard for this church of mine, hard i tell you. it is how this church was started, with the prayer of a fourteen year old farm boy. joseph smith said, "one of the grand fundamental principles of mormonism is to receive truth, let it come from whence it may." i ended part 1 inviting anyone who read it to pray, study, and ponder on a handful of thought-provoking questions. again, the key is that we should be searching for truth. my prayer is that i can help others be inspired to search, and at times lead others to truth, if i have it.

"Yes, we do have the fulness of the everlasting gospel, but that does not mean that we know everything. In fact, one principle of the restored gospel is our belief that God “will yet reveal many great and important things."

this is president uchtdorf saying that at this time, as children of God, members and leaders alike, we don't know e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g., and basically this quote is the entire basis for part 1. the key is being prepared to receive more light from heaven by showing heaven that you are searching, asking, and ready for it.

"If you follow the Spirit, your personal search for the truth inevitably leads you to the Lord and Savior, even Jesus Christ, for He is “the way, the truth, and the life.” This may not be the most convenient way; it will probably also be the road less traveled, and it will be the path with mountains to climb, swift rivers to cross, but it will be His way—the Savior’s redeeming way."

how well do we tread this path? are we choosing to tread it at all? i hope that as a latter-day saint and an american, i am always on a personal quest for more truth. there have been moments of quiet knowledge that jesus christ lives and that he is my savior. those cherished moments are unmistaken and very meaningful guide posts to me that i am on a correct path. the path of searching and finding. and more searching, and hopefully more finding.

final thoughts.

as much as i obviously support same-sex marriage, and will support all consenting adult americans to have the freedom to marry whom they please, the mormon i am will still be the missionary i always have been and share with those who would like to hear it, my testimony about the gospel of jesus christ. some of your comments sorta made me sick to my stomache a little because you inferred that i am not standing up for what i believe, and the missionary that i am was a little bit heartbroken. i believe it was evelyn beatrice hall who said, "i disapprove of what you say, but i will defend to the death your right to say it." i may spiritually disagree with your choice to marry as a same-sex couple, but i do support your legal right to do it. and the same goes with many other behaviors that i believe are sinful (as taught to me by modern prophets, no less). and this paragraph sums up everything that gives me pride to be an american, gosh dang it.

it is all about expectations. if you expect u.s. law to meet the unchanging, eternal, and universal truths sent to you by the quiet whisperings of the holy ghost, then, as a faithful latter-day saint you will never support same-sex marriage as legal under u.s. law. and if that is you, then i'm admonishing you to do more than just oppose the opening of a strip club near your home. in my opinion, it is hypocritcal to be against same-sex marriage, and not be against the legalization of any behavior that you know is sinful. so yeah, oppose a strip club opening near your home (i hate strip clubs). but then you better be doing what you can to make sure u.s. laws are changed so that even attending a strip club is illegal; and that even smoking a cigarette is illegal, and that goes with using alcohol, and marijuana in colorado, and no american may be allowed to drink coffee. i will look you in the eyes and be disappointed in you if you don't do these things, because that is your moral compass, and you know that is wrong if you don't oppose the legalization of every possible sinful behaviour. and i expect more from you than to sit idly by. and i don't even say this with the least bit of sarcasm. i do expect a lot from those of you in this camp.

but, if you are okay with u.s. law differing from the unchanging, eternal, and universal truths sent to you by the quiet whisperings of the holy ghost, then it is possible for you to support same-sex marriage, and the legalization of many other behaviors that we latter-day saints know to be against God's wishes for His children, like smoking, and drinking, and strip clubs, and the list goes on. because you know that barack obama is the president of this nation, not Jesus Christ. you look forward to the day that He does reign over the earth, but have lower expectations from u.s. law until that day comes.

why i support same-sex marriage laws and think you should, too, as fellow latter-day saints | PART 1 OF 2

NOTE: this post is written by an active, devout mormon for active, devout mormons. and anyone else who cares to read, but post is full of lds jargon. also, positive comments only. debatable and contradictory comments? sure! but contentious, discrespectful, and mean comments will be deleted and are unwelcome (that means you, anonymous!). also, jared neither supports nor rejects my statements, i just thought this photo was somewhat fitting.

i in no way expect to expansively cover every facet of this topic, or even come close to remotely touching on every last conceivable concern or objection to my assertions. i am actually only endeavoring to touch on one main point.

many of you will disagree with me on this entire post, some of you will agree wholly or to some degree, most of you will at least give my words some thought, and some of you will still reject my statements after thinking it over. and that's okay with me. the point of this opening statement is that i realize i'm bringing up an emotionally charged issue, full of deeply rooted feelings and opinions. the last thing i expect this post to do is change anyone's mind. but i hope to open the pathways of new consideration, new ideas, and thoughts you may have never thought before. i have radically changed my opinion on this topic, and it took many prayer, study, and pondering sessions, handfuls of open, honest, and sometimes angry discussions, and an english teacher who did a terrific job of forcing open my mind to something i was sure would never change.

to some degree or another this describes your life: you grew up reading the scriptures as a family on sunday evenings, family home evening on monday nights, mutual on wednesdays, and mom and dad went out for date night on friday nights. you've never even been offered a cigarette in a social setting, a sip of coffee might as well be whiskey, and if someone says, "scripture mastery" your only reply is "which one?". you are the typical latter-day saint.

all your life you've been taught that homosexuality is a sin, and you agree. the family proclamation is your credo, and you're comfortable with that. so when it comes to same-sex marriage being legalized, the answer is obvious: no way.

does this make you a bigot? are you hateful? no way, not at all! you love all people, and you truly strive you empathize with others and accept all people for who they are, and most importantly, you foster a deep love for God's children in your heart. so how could you be off track?

you believe that marriage is sacred and ordained of God. you believe that gender is essential to individual identity and that marriage should be between a man and a woman. family is the purpose of life and is critical to your individual happiness, as well as the foundation of society. without solid families built upon a sturdy foundation of husbands and wives, society will lose it's stability and crumble, as foretold by ancient and modern prophets, as described so explicitly in the family proclamation. you recognize that same-sex marriage will likely eventually be legalized across the U.S., but you only hope it won't happen in your lifetime, or your children's, or your grandchildren's...

you are a latter-day saint, and a dang good one! you love the people around you despite lifestyle differences, weaknesses, shortcomings, and opposing political views (or at least strive really freaking hard to!). you are patient with your friends and loved ones, you offer the benefit of the doubt, you reserve judgment for the heavens.

you believe that the true church of Christ was restored in this last dispensation, and that a current prophet lives on earth. modern apostles and prophets have actively protested the legalization of same-sex marriage, i mean we all witnessed prop 8, right? so why should any faithful latter-day saint, including you, give a second thought to the marital rights of homosexuals, if the living prophet of God and other church authorities are against those rights? i mean, last i checked, the church hasn't repealed their stance since prop 8.

but let me tell you something, you can be both on track and off track at the same time. you can know that homosexuality is a sin and even wish that no same-sex couple would desire to marry, and this is okay. but where our divine understanding about marriage and the Lord's doctrine on homosexuality is not accepted by every other american, we are off track in our expectation of our fellow americans and in our expectation of a law created by man.

here's my idea: this is a civil rights issue. this is america we are talking about, not the kingdom of God. these are civil rights of american citizens on the table, not gospel doctrines. and this question i'm about to ask right here is the real kicker, the question upon which any potential same-sex marriage paradigm shift is contingent:

on any other topic besides same-sex marriage, have you ever expected U.S. law to match your inner belief system?

a few more questions alma-five-style for you to ponder over, pray about, to use in conjunction with your personal scripture study, and mainly to reflect on how they relate to the civil rights of homosexuals in america. here goes:

• when is the last time you (or the church) revolted against current laws legalizing the use of tobacco, alcohol, and strip clubs (to name a few behaviors we LDS people see as sins, that are currently legal for U.S. citizens)?
• when is the last time you expected society at large to match your personal values and standards (separate from this concern)?
• when is the last time the church expected society and current U.S. laws to match our personal values and standards (separate from this concern)?
• as a U.S. citizen who deeply values your own freedoms that are too great to number, can you honestly say that withholding the freedom to marry from a group of people whose inner belief system varies from yours is constitutional?

for me, one of the biggest hurdles to get over in providing my own honest answers to the above questions was the discordant idea that i could politically disagree with church leaders whom i sustain as prophets, seers, and revelators. with some more spiritual research i realized that i can still sustain our leaders as such prophets and have no expectation that our political views need to match. i stopped believing that the political opinions of our church leaders are doctrine. this is where many of you and i will likely stop being in agreement, if we haven't digressed already. i feel it is okay for members to even blindly follow the prophet on political matters, because i do believe there is safety there. however, i feel the political opinions of members that are different from our leaders aren't necessarily wrong, just because they diverge from the church's official stance. in the same breath, i wouldn't draw the same conclusions if a member's doctrinal opinions were different from our leaders.

i am not suggesting that the church is ever going to, or should ever make a change to official doctrinal views on homosexuality and marriage. i am suggesting that individual members need to recognize that the question of same-sex marriage becoming valid in the legal system in the united states is a civil rights issue, entirely separate from true doctrine. there has never been a time in U.S. history when laws were dictated by the mouth of God. think about it!? after the second coming, when earth is politically and ecclesiastically ruled by Jesus Christ, my discussion will be much different. but for now, that is not the case.

so here is my big invitation: will you try, or consider trying to view this as a civil rights issue? would you separate your cherished and wonderful values from your expectations from U.S. law regarding this issue? because you've already done so on many other occasions. will you take time to ponder, search your scriptures, and pray about the questions i posed?