i started a new job this week.
i came to terms with the carpet in our living room.
i realized it's best to do only one project at a time.
like this flower crown.
and college.
and that some things just take time.

i started feeling sniffly last night, woke up with a tight throat this morning, and when i looked in the mirror my left eye was red and bloodshot. i went about my day and felt mostly okay, on this freezing cold, snowy december day, but by the time i got home from work i thought i might have the flu. my stomach has been upset and i just generally feel wobbly and weak and desirous to not move or do anything other than watching parks and rec and for some reason i have the desire to knit. why do i use my blog as an outlet to document when i'm sick? sorry about that, you guys.

i'm not so structured. i'm okay with sleeping in and planning my day last minute and i don't feel the need to make every post on here perfectly edited. i'm finicky with crumbs in the kitchen so spreading cold butter onto bread makes my insides tense up. i think about making art and design literally every single day like it is my drug. sometimes i think of college as a prison because i am waiting until i have a degree to pursue a design career. unless any of you know of an amazing design gig that would be available to a college student here in salt lake city? didn't think so. i've committed myself to no excuses and i'm just making art happen any way i can. i can't go on much longer living someone else's life. i'm ready for you, design world. i've dissected my desires profusely in the last year and i am now fairly certain what i want to do with the rest of my life. and at the same time, i have no idea how it will all pan out.

there is only about 1% of the pink left in my hair and i'm totally sad about it. i wish it was easier to have colorful hair whenever i want. i wish it was easier to travel whenever i want. i wish it was easier to go to college and not be ridiculously poor. i wish making a living was easier. i wish fulfilling careers were easier to obtain. i wish balancing personal and work life was easier. i wish fulfilling friendships were easier to come by.

i'm feeling extremely 99% this week as reality is hitting and we are heading back to salt lake to crappy jobs and utah's upcoming winter. we have an exact number of dollars to get an apartment and back to work to start earning money again. it's not that i'm depressed or negative or ungrateful. i'm just aware and i'm just facing reality. it's okay to do that because anything else is denial and denial makes you feel empty. even if some of the spaces are filled with a few dark spots, at least it's not empty. i don't usually do empty, and for that i am grateful. what would a sunny day look like if there were no shade? i wouldn't like it.

you could try to give me a pep talk about how with the bad comes the good and how there is no fulfillment without challenges and that through opposition comes opportunity, but i'll save you the breath, because i know all that. i am that choir. i wrote that pep talk. i am that pep talk. and i do appreciate that pep talk. but sometimes, just let those low feelings exist for a little bit. it's wholeness i'm going for, and to be a complete person i need to not be robbed of the low feelings. just let me have the low feelings. let me be a complete person. let me wallow in sadness about leaving a city that i fell in love with and heading back to a state i could do without for a while. life's not over. it's not. but there are real challenges ahead and i'm bracing myself, which i would count myself wise for.

i'll be back to the dreaming and loving and hoping and infatuating and all that delicious, whip cream, yummy stuff soon enough.

i have no idea how other people keep their blogs so la vie en rose. for what it's worth, you can always count on me to display the good and the bad. i don't know how else to do it.

our apartment is currently pure pandemonium. we move out a week from today and between work and school and jared's two jobs, we've had little time to pack, let alone with any measure of neatness. so we've been pulling stuff out of closets and shelves and while we have made some progress it mostly feels like chaos.

i was charged as keeper of the storage unit. it was my job to use the three free hours i had to find us a storage unit since jared hasn't had three free daylight hours in weeks it seems. what do you pick, a 10x10 fifteen miles away for seventy bucks or a 5x10 two miles away for the same price? the place with 24 hour access or the cheaper place with only business hour access? who knew getting a storage unit could be so difficult?

it's silly how i can have a zen feeling about a storage unit. i drove out to west valley a few days ago to look at this place that i knew wasn't going to work out and before i even looked at it i discovered they only did 9am-6pm access (?), turned around, got in my car, and drove back to downtown. and i just sort of stumbled my way to the exact storage unit we need without missing a beat. and for some reason it all felt extremely meant to be, acutely and exceedingly cosmic.

on the way back from west valley, the weather did this thing where it was kind of perfectly overcast with just the right amount of sun seeping through and just the right amount of wind and the just the right amount of humidity and the air was this perfect 75°F and the 59th street bridge song was playing in the car (paul simon is the musical genius of the twentieth century. and art his steady companion). and even though i have a strict don't-spend-time-in-west-valley policy, it was the third day in a row that i found myself driving through west valley.

in the midst of driving past strip malls and construction zones, 'now hiring!' billboards and those apartment complexes with the colorful flags out front, i had a zen moment. i sort of knew i needed to drive back to downtown and get our meant to be storage unit. i had this thing where i felt totally okay with where i was in life, even if that meant that i found myself driving through west valley at noon on a friday looking for a storage unit.

and it wasn't exactly because i was totally okay with where i was, it was more so that i was okay with where i am going. tonight while watching how i met your mother, ted summed it up kind of perfectly:


"Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother, and while there's many things to learn from this story, this may be the biggest. The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do, they'll also be the things that happen to you.

Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life, you have to take action, and you will. But never forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever.

You see, the universe has a plan, kids, and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place at the right time."

my rules for living // facts i've discovered about life

∴   love yourself. unconditionally. speak kindly about yourself, be patient with yourself, believe in yourself. enjoy yourself. spend quality time with yourself. enjoy your quirks, idiosyncrasies  and uniqueness. value your health above wealth. treat yourself with the highest respect--physically, spiritually, socially, mentally, emotionally, all of the above. self-respect and self-love are the bottom line for every truly good decision anyone will ever make. they are the key to achieving world peace.

∴   do things that scare you. if something scares you, it's a good idea to try it out. do one small thing that scares you daily, something a little bigger weekly and monthly, and one big scary thing a year. daily, try a new food or greet someone you wouldn't have dared to before. weekly or monthly, attend yoga in the park or ask for a raise. annually, we're talking make that move you've dreamed of, go off the grid, apply to grad school, write a book, get out of that abusive relationship, buy a house, make that career change you haven't stopped thinking about since you visited disneyland three years ago.

because it's not the extra money from the raise that will shape who you are so much as the courage it took to ask for it, or what you learned about yourself in the process of facing that fear.

∴   be fearless. this is different from just doing something that scares you. being fearless isn't just going through the physical act of doing something scary, it's a mentality that has made it's way into every mundane or routine thing you do.

you unexpectedly see a co-worker outside of work while donning gym clothes, sporting no makeup and nappy hair and you have a choice. you can avoid the interaction and lose the experience altogether or you can face the fear of whatever whoever might think about you and put on a smile and engage with another human. we lie or hide who we are out of fear. living fearlessly means being confident and courageous no matter who or what might come of it.

∴   one of the most profoundly human things you can do is talk to someone instead of about them. even in neutral or non-gossip circumstances, talk to someone instead of about them.

∴   time enjoyed is never wasted. we are willing to go through hell for ten minutes of doing something we enjoy. we are willing to pay huge amounts of hard earned dollars to enjoy wearing a pair of shoes a few times or enjoy eating at a fancy dinner for an evening. but then when we find whatever it is we enjoy, we guilt trip ourselves out of the experience. if you can find something you enjoy, even if it's as simple as watching your favorite movie or reading a good book, enjoy it.

finding something you absolutely love can be rare. if not for you, then you're a lucky one because for most people, it's hard to find anything to go crazy for. if you've found something positive that you enjoy, enjoy it. guilt free.

∴   people are humans. every single person who has ever intimidated you, been your boss, been cooler than you, or more famous than you, made more money than you, or been more achieved or successful than you, or been any other thing that has made you think for a second that they are better than you, or even just meaningfully different from you, is a human.

they all poop, they all get hungry, and they were all a dumb kid once. they have been rude, or stupid, or awkward. people who you think could never understand you or your humor also watch the same tv shows you watch, follow the same blogs, even have friends in common with you that you have no idea about. the truth is that people are humans. no matter what other title they carry, they share one really important title with you: human.

∴   give yourself permission to feel your feelings--all of them. this is so stupidly obvious yet rarely happens most times. we don't let ourselves feel angry because bad or out of control people are angry. we don't let ourselves feel sadness because distraction is easier. we don't let ourselves feel happiness because we are so spoiled and already have too much. we don't let ourselves feel jealous because admitting we don't have control over someone else is pure anxiety.

instead we fabricate emotions that we pretend to feel when it's the 'appropriate' time to feel them. we tell people we are happy when really we are only half-fulfilled. we tell people we are disappointed when really we are frustrated. we tell people we are excited when really we are scared shitless.

in childhood, every one of us had someone tell us to stop crying when all we needed to do was cry. as adults, we desperately need someone to give us permission to feel our feelings. the truth is that the best person to grant that permission is ourselves. you're not angry because you're a terrible person, you're angry because you are.

∴   be okay with things. it's okay to be okay with the world. be okay with the fact that you aren't exactly where you want to be at this exact point in life. if you are doing your best, be okay with that.

∴   find what you love and let it kill you. probably the most surefire sign you've found it, is if you find yourself lying in bed, an hour after you turned off the lights, excitedly thinking about whatever it is giddy with butterflies. if at any point you experience this, throw your whole life into it.

if whatever 'it' is, isn't so obvious for you, keep searching. those little moments of clarity, or thrill, or vision, those moments add up. and if you peg them when you experience them, by writing them down or if you're good then by making a mental note, you can begin to discover whatever 'it' is.

if you know what it is, or you think you do, and you're worried about losing whatever it was you are working on now, ask yourself, 'was that project letting me sleep soundly at night?' if the answer is yes, it should probably go.

∴   embrace the linear timeline of human existence. one day, twelve years from today your kid may wake up and realize what you've been trying to teach him these last few months. you don't have to wait twelve years to feel good about your role as his parent. you can feel good about that today, because today you are doing the best damn job you can.

and if one day, twelve years from now, all the hard work you've put into a relationship, or work project, or church program suddenly repays itself, don't wait twelve years to let yourself feel fulfilled about that hard work. let yourself feel fulfilled right now. because it's today that you are committed and it's today that you are working hard.

∴   if you stop growing, you die. it doesn't matter if you reach the point of bill gates rich or miley cyrus famous, you will never reach a point where fame, wealth, success, or even positive accomplishments can keep you truly alive. you simply cannot stop reaching, learning, or growing. you are only as good as your next project.

note: the day after writing this list, i randomly watched swiss-miss's '11 rules i live by', which is surpisingly similar. any similarities are purely coincidence. but make me happy nonetheless.

for the past few months, whenever i see a photo of the ocean my heart. flips. i have a physical reaction, my blood burns, and i have to force myself to breath deeply. having grown up in utah, the ocean is always a welcomed adventure but a special treat.

i was coming to the end of my senior year in high school and it seemed everyone was talking about what was next. for spring break my best girl friends and i road tripped down to st. george to visit dixie state college and see the campus and learn about the school. even before we went i knew in my heart i wouldn't be attending, but that didn't stop me from getting in on the road trip fun. st. george seemed like a big leap for most high school kids who were imagining leaving home for the first time. but for me, it wasn't far enough.

the thing about me and my need to get-outta-here! is that i'm not running from anything. i'm chasing adventure. those last minutes of sunlight each day set my heart on fire, because all i want is to run into the sunset and stay with that beautiful light. to me, sunset is nature's anthem to adventure chasers.

after spring break had passed, while chatting with my cousin at a wedding he asked what my plans were. it's funny when people ask what you do, or what you studied, or are studying, or what your plans are next, it's just chit-chat, but it's always a loaded question. in the last week i've told people i'm studying communications, arts technology, graphic design, and i think yesterday i told someone it was visual communications with an emphasis on film and photojournalism (this is hilarious to me now, how made up it sounds). so when my cousin asked my about-to-graduate-self what was next i told him i wanted to be a nanny in new york city.

to make a long story really short: he and his wife had been living in new york city, had new twin babies and because she was heading back to work, they needed an extra hand a few days a week. so come fall when one of my friends did go to dixie state, another stayed in the area, two others headed up to utah state university, i headed to nyc for one of the greatest experiences of my life.

i have doted on, dreamed about, embellished and indulged the memories of those six months over and over since i was there. and at the risk of sounding like the rest of my life hasn't been as great, the rest of my life hasn't been as great-ha! i'm all about remembering fond memories but with a greater concerted effort to forge new, even better ones. however, this is a memory that needs to be recorded.

i had lived in new york city for a few months when ben and julie (my cousin and his wife) invited me with them for a week road trip through the cape cod area. i had never heard of cape cod, martha's vinyard or nantucket before then, but we saw it all. we ate at a restaurant that hung over the craggy cliffs above the ocean and i tried oysters for the first time. we stayed in a cabin in the beautiful, greenest, lushest neighborhood i had ever seen. we walked along sand roads lined with nautical rope fences, and enjoyed grassy, sandy beaches. my heart absolutely fell in love with the charming neighborhoods of new england--there's a *huge* part of me that sees a future there one day.

we woke up early one sunny morning and boarded a whale-watching boat. the boat was decent in size, held a couple hundred people, double-decker of course; the main feature was open walkways to view the water and hopefully catch a glimpse of a whale. we pushed the twins around with the double wide stroller hoping to see something and after about an hour, we did. i vaguely remember having a camera with me, but i have no idea what happened to the photos, sadly.

when the majestic show of dancing whales was over and the boat was headed back to the shore, i wandered by myself through the boat. i went to the upper level and headed all the way to the tippy top, front end of the boat. 

i'm not sure if i chose the song or if it shuffled onto my pink 1st gen ipod mini (so vogue at the time), but five for fighting's if god made you was playing in my ears (of course had to get the song on my ipod after sisterhood of the traveling pants had come into the theaters and our hearts). the new england coast was in the distance, the pale-blue-homes-white-picket-fence-tall-wavy-grass-esque distance, the water was the nicest shade of navy--sparkling and glistening and bouncing with the rhythm and unity of a ballet, seagulls were flying above us, the sun was low enough in the sky that it was still daytime, but gave the appearance of sunset, working neatly with the clouds to give us just enough sun but not too much and combined with right tint of orange in my shades to create one of the most beautiful sights my eyes will ever see. there were no people or parts of the boat obstructing my view. the entire experience was total bliss. for about ten minutes i listened to the song on repeat and just took it all in. breathing and blinking was sweet. merely existing during those few minutes was all i could ask for.

with that beautiful song playing in my ears (it is still, to this day, my all time favorite song because of this experience), the beautiful view in my eyes, the delightful breeze blowing across my skin and dancing with my hair, and nothing and no one to distract or disturb me from this trifecta of the senses, something changed inside of me; this was a soul-altering experience. i didn't wake up that morning anticipating any of that would happen to me. sometimes the smell of sunscreen or being outside with the rarest degree of humidity or seeing a seagull above my head in this very inland utah, sometimes it will spark that moment in my memory, and for a second i'll remember how sweet life is capable of tasting.

i'll spend the rest of my life trying to experience it again. it's taken until now, seven years later, for me to fully comprehend how special and magical that precious moment was, and how that, that blood burning, heart flipping love for the ocean, not everything else that seems important at times, is what i want my life to be about.

adventure-chasers, sunset-catchers, ocean-lovers, tell me i'm not alone, i don't sound crazy, do i?

"when we make a change, it's so easy to interpret our unsettledness as unhappiness, and our unhappiness as a result of having made the wrong decision. our mental and emotional states fluctuate madly when we make a big change in our lives, and some days we could tight rope across manhattan, and other days we are too weary to clean our teeth. this is normal. this is natural. this is change." -jeanette winterson

i stumbled upon this quote online a couple weeks ago and it hasn't left me. there are so many good, bad, and neutral words constantly forcing themselves our direction everyday, so it's special when something you read or hear stays with you; if it stands out and you remember it days and weeks later, you know it's important.

i can't stop thinking about this one. it's so true, not just with change, but all the time. in the middle of a doctor's visit about a year ago a comment of profoundness came out of my doctor's mouth and woke me right up (this is paraphrased),

"people don't feel the same every day. and it has nothing to do with a cycle for women, or anything else for men. it's just that human bodies fluctuate. there are days when we feel amazing and there are other days when we don't feel as great. whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, our states fluctuate. give yourself permission to feel exactly however you feel."

there are times when our minds or bodies are letting us know if a choice or choices we've made are good or bad. if we are eating too much junk, our bodies usually do a good job letting us know when enough is enough. if we're in a bad relationship, making a poor career move, or betraying our inner belief system, our minds and spirits will tip us off to that. however, there are times when we are eating right, getting enough sleep and exercise, engaging in healthy relationships, in a good place at work, and being true to ourselves, and yet, we don't feel 100% every single day of our lives. this is normal. this is natural. this is human.

i've been giving myself permission recently to just be human. it's okay for me to feel less than 100% physically, mentally, or emotionally every single day. i can't express the peace and contentment that has come with this new mentality. there are times when i feel i could tight rope across manhattan and there are times when i am too weary to clean my teeth. and i'm okay with both of those times. i like my life on both ends of the spectrum and i like myself on the in-between days, too.

this quote was on the buried life tumblr and it's another one that i've come back to again and again. it's feeding into the same great concept.

"i actually attack the concept of happiness. the idea that--i don't mind people being happy--but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in western society, which is fear of sadness. it's a really odd thing that we're now seeing people saying, "write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep", and "cheer up" and "happiness is our birthright" and so on. we're kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position--it's rubbish.

wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don't teach us much. everyone says we will grow through pain then as soon as they experience pain they say, "quick! move on! cheer up!" i'd like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word 'happiness" and to replace it with the word "wholeness". ask yourself, "is this contributing to my wholeness?" and if you're having a bad day, it is. -hugh mackay

i just got home from ayley's bachelorette party and a sleepy, blurry drive home. sounds scary, but it wasn't. fear is interesting. it's all in your head. don't let it win. you are capable of letting love and peace win. peace like a buddhist monk.

i was drunk like drunken noodles or drunken candy, you know, i wasn't actually drunk. not having anything to do with alcohol. with this blog post i wish to redefine the word drunk to also include drunk like a fool in love. not just romantically, but in love with all the splashes of goodness in their life. tonight i was drunk on the girlies at the party, who were lovely. i was feeling drunk on my husband, who talked to me between the hotel and walking to my car. i was drunk on the music coming from my car's speakers, every song is relevant in some way. i was drunk on living life, it's silver lining is worth it all. and i was especially drunk on salt lake city's summer air. but mostly i think i was just exceptionally tired, haha.

the party was happy and easy going and lovely as ayley. ayley is one person i am so grateful to know. she's a gem. also, she's every bit as enchanting and delightful in real life as she is on her blog and more.

the take-home value of today: put yourself out there. it's usually worth it. and i'll take usually.

a dabatable journal entry, not dressing itself for debate

recently, i've realized how what can be true for one person can be untrue for another. not in a way like it's true for one person that they live in africa while it's true for another that they live in europe. i mean, in a way like it's true for one person that gay-marriage absolutely will hurt their version of america while it's true for another that gay-marriage absolutely will help their version of america. and with this perspective, until their truths change, it is impossible to prove to the one person that gay-marriage is good, and it is impossible to prove to the other that gay-marriage is bad. because they each are right, according to their truths. changing their truths is possible, but until any changes have been made, proving them wrong is not. but your truths can change.

and in this way, some realities--real, meaningful realities at that--are very much so subjective to the viewer. you could say that reality is reality whether anyone recognizes it or not. i do believe that solid truth exists and is not dependent upon anyone believing it. something can be true even if no one in the world believes in it, like a round, not flat earth. however, this is not what i am talking about, and that does not apply universally to everything.

what i've also learned is that each person's truths are important and deserve respect; they are sacred, special, and honorable--even if someone else thinks they are wrong or bad. they are not necessarily right or wrong because they aren't defineable. they are so unique to each person that they cannot be judged on any one universal measuring stick. they literally are outside the box of our human definition of right and wrong. i do believe God is there, understands, and is capable of making that judgment. and each person can make that judgment for themselves, if they are capable of the requisite honesty and humility.

your truths are safest and healthiest when you respect and honor them. that means acknowledging their existence, letting them be heard by you, allowing them to affect your choices, and especially being proud of them to others. our truths are like little children, they are healthiest when they are treasured, cared for, and are free of the weight of shame.

photo from our weekend to park city and is a tribute to helvetica, the world's most loved font
here's just a flat out basic not-too-special-but-special-in-the-best-way blog post update on life lately. i've been going for this minimalism in my life and my pantry and my belongings and my beliefs, and it's just spilled itself all over this blog, to the point of suffocation near suffocation. i ramble in real life. i ramble at work, to jared, to friends, to my mom. but i never seem to ramble on here anymore. instead what this blog gets is a few photos and an edited version of what's happening in my life. but i want to share about what's happening in my brain.

i've been eating cleaner. i've basically completely dropped excess sugar and simple starch out of my diet and i feel better. i very rarely skip a nice whole-grainy breakfast and under no circumstances do i eat white bread. i'd like to say i'm drinking water like we all should but ya win some ya lose some. i sleep fairly well? considering those damn giant perfect sunny windows. i don't have low blood sugar episodes anymore which used to be a daily occurance. and even though i've lost five pounds in only a few weeks without really even trying all that hard, it's really the low blood sugar episodes finally going away that keeps me going with this no sugar stuff. i read somewhere that sugar is poison to our bodies. and something clicked. i'm not someone who loooooves salty, crunchy snacks. i'm someone who loooooves chocolate. and everything sweet. i have exactly 28 "sweet tooths" inside my mouth. i love sugar. so i've taken to a good deal of honey and stevia and occasionally your indigestion inducing maltitol. and there you have it. i eat healthier.

jared and i are saving up to visit san francisco this fall before our trip to portland. can i tell you that money is tight for two students who are working derpy jobs because they are students? it is. and how does anyone do it anyways? am i the only one who feels like there are never ending student loans to take and isn't there a get smart quick scheme somewhere i can buy into? we are trying to be creative and i don't know how everything is going to pan out. but jared IS going to bike school in portland this fall which IS a thing and no, he's not going learn about motorcycles thank you very much for asking, every single random uncle or random acquaintance with whom we must exchange pleasantries and why are we doing this anyways because if you don't know already that he's obsessed with bicycles then why is it that we must be discussing this again? he's going to learn the craft of building a bicycle from scratch, as in welding bicycle frames. when someone has a specific passion like jared has with bikes, you don't stifle that shit. so jared's being a bike guy and i love my bike guy. also, when there's a will there's a way. so we will most certainly figure it all out. by the way, jared taught me the beauty of just skipping the small talk. just don't do it. see, isn't that better? everyone's lives are improved when we just ditch the small talk. mutual small talk ditching is a wonderful thing!

and then there's me. i love design. art and design. i heart typography. i enjoy web design. i am this little eager vessel, willing to learn. do i fly through the non-related degree here at the U or do i line my ducks in a row and declare to the world i'm off to a pricey little design school out of san francisco that will graduate me with a pretty degree and a mortgage? perfect weather vs low costs? adventure of a lifetime vs a decently-sized liveable apartment? learning the art i actually care to learn about in three years vs learning some mildly interesting stuff only mildly related to the field i'd like to pursure in a year and a half (and reeeeeally low costs)? HAAALP.

and then, on this tour through my brain, we always circle back to God. and spirituality. and all my questions. here i am. living for the first time ever in my life in a world where it's safe to have doubts and questions. and suddenly exactly one million doubts and questions are circling my brain exactly one hundred percent of the time. and co-habitating with these questions are all my moments of clarity, fresh air to my brain stem, feelings of peace like a river and understanding on a higher and more beautiful plane everything i've preached my whole life. i'm in a good place here. a very good place.

and last but not at all least: mild (i said mild, okay!), MILD humidity makes my soul sing. the weather the last few days has been uncharacteristic of salt lake city in july. it's had this balmy, beachy touch of humidity. and i am not exaggerating when i say IT MAKES MY SOUL SING. nice weather IS NOT JUST 'NICE WEATHER'. no. it's much more than that. it has an unsung power that can make people do trippy things. like base the rest of every other decision in their life on whether they live in a nice climate. i worship you, balmy summer night. you are mine forever, breezy ocean coast. for the past several months, whenever i see a photo of the beach (which is multiple times a day on instagram), my heart skips a beat in my chest. it's this cosmic connection that i have with the beach. when i'm there, i can't quite wrap my brain or my toes around the endless stretch of sand in either direction, the rise and fall of the tide, or the giant body of water that flows far in the distance until it falls off the other side of the earth.

one little coastal moment in my otherwise mountaineous, inland life: the dingy smell of our apartment hallway in this summer heat. it's the smell of nyc. it's one of the greatest smells in the world. it's dirty, unexpected, and delicious. if they could bottle it up and sell it, i'd probably buy it.